The last several days have been difficult for me in my struggle with chastity. I was feeling very tempted to masturbate on Wednesday night, and I gave into this temptation several times. I also got in touch with a couple of men who I thought may have been interested in having a sexual encounter with me. Fortunately, it was all a lot of talk and nothing happened. It seems that no matter how tempted I am to have a homosexual encounter, I can’t bring myself to actually do it. When it comes time to make a move and go to someone’s house, I hesitate and I don’t go through with it. Thanks be to God for that!
I usually do quite a bit of soul searching in the day or two after a big fall like the one I had Wednesday, and I saw very clearly during this period of soul searching that I am seriously lacking in the virtues of faith and hope. I say that I am lacking in faith because deep down I don’t believe that God is enough for me. Part of me does not want to give up the sins of masturbation and homosexuality. They bring me too much pleasure. They help me to mask the pain I’m feeling and help me to avoid dealing with this pain. But then of course is the other part of me that is disgusted by these sins, a part of me that sees and knows all too well that masturbating and engaging in homosexual behavior is beneath my dignity as a man made in the image and likeness of God. I also say that I’m lacking in faith because deep down I don’t believe that God will help me overcome my temptations and set me free from the sins of masturbation, lust, and homosexuality. I can control myself for a couple weeks, maybe even a few months, but eventually I get to the point where I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t masturbate or have a homosexual encounter. And usually when I come to this point, it becomes very easy for me to give in, because I feel like God has abandoned me. In truth, He has not… He’s been there all along. He’s just allowing me to undergo a trial. In addition, I think that maybe possible that on a subconscious level I don’t believe that God has forgiven me for my sins. I realized this yesterday as I was going to confession. I constantly look back on my past sins, instead of realizing that the Sacrament of Penance allows me to start over with a clean slate, and to look to the future and realize that God has freed me from the bondage of sin. I’m the one who decides to put the shackles back on by masturbating, lusting, or attempting to have a homosexual encounter. My habitual sins of masturbation and lust, and my tendency to attempt to have homosexual enounters are also indications that I am lacking in hope. All I’ve known all of my life is darkness and sin, and it’s really hard for me to believe that one day God will set me free from these sins. I don’t know whether it’s going to happen in this life or the next, but I do know (intellectually) that it is going to happen. The problem is that I don’t believe it in my heart. I really need to spend some time meditating every day on the joys of heaven that God has promised to all of us who remain faithful to Him in this life.
The only solution to all of this is prayer, and patience that God will help me to grow in holiness and allow me to overcome my sins.
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