One thing that I have noticed about myself since I learned about the root causes of my same-sex attractions is the amount of importance I have placed on forming good friendships with other men. As you may recall from my conversion story, my own personal experience and research has led me to conclude that I developed same-sex attractions because my desire for intimacy and friendship with other men had become sexualized. Learning this was tremendously freeing, because it confirmed what I had suspected for a long time: that I did not have same-sex attractions because I was born that way, but because something had gone wrong in my childhood. However, it also led to a bit of frustration too because it has caused me to place too much importance on developing close friendships with other men as a way to get rid of the same-sex attractions.
Over the last several days, the Lord has really helped me to see that I am making a major mistake by allowing myself to persist in this type of thinking. I say this for a number of reasons. For starters, placing too much importance on my friendships has caused me to constantly analyze my relationships with other men to see if they are “close.” Usually, my determination on how close I am to someone is based on my feelings. So if I’m feeling good and I just had a good time hanging out with someone, I’m usually inclined to think that I’m pretty close to that person. But if I’m not feeling so good, and it’s been awhile since I’ve hung out with a particular person, or the last time I spent time with that individual was not a pleasant experience, I’m usually inclined to think that now I’m NOT close to that person, in spite of the previous good experiences. I’m sure you can see the problem with this type of thinking. I’m letting my feelings and emotions dictate the status of my relationships, rather than looking at the hard facts. This has caused me to many times feel deprived of close friendships, when the truth is that I have a number of friends that I consider myself to be close with. I also see that this feeling of deprivation has become a stumbling block in my spiritual life, because it is not compatible with feeling at peace.
Placing too much importance on my friendships has also caused another problem in my spiritual life: not looking to Jesus for the intimacy that I am longing for. I have noticed lately that the people that I most want affection from are also the most Christ-like people I know. I don’t think this is a coincidence. I want that person in my life because I see Jesus Christ in them, but what I’m really longing for is JUST Jesus Christ, no one else. I don’t mean to suggest that friendships aren’t important, because they are. But I should not be so caught up in pursuing the reflection of Jesus Christ that I see in others, when I can pursue Jesus Christ Himself. And the best part of this realization is that Christ is ready to give me the intimacy I am longing for right now through the graces of the Sacraments of Reconciliation and the Holy Eucharist. He is always ready to offer me his friendship and pour out his love on me. I can’t say the same for my friends. They’re busy sometimes, they have bad days, etc., etc. They can’t always give me the love and the attention that I am looking for. But Jesus Christ can. And if I’m faithful to him in this life, he will satisfy all the longings of my heart in the next life.
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