Shame

Last Tuesday night our Courage chaplain gave a very good talk about shame. He told us that we can fall into one of two extremes when it comes to shame: constructing our own moral order (i.e., rationalizing away our sins) in order to get rid of the feelings of shame, or allowing the feeling of shame for something we’ve done to grow into feeling ashamed for who we are.

I think men and women who are same-sex attracted can easily fall into one of these two extremes. For those who may not be concerned about what the Church teaches, there is a temptation to justify engaging in homosexual behavior, such as saying that, “Well, that’s the way God made me. He gave me these feelings, so I might as well act on them.” In doing this we can fool ourselves into thinking that there is nothing wrong with what we are doing, and thus eliminate any shame we may feel because of our actions. 

I tend to fall into the other extreme: allowing my feelings of shame for my actions transfer to a feeling of shame about myself. I suspect that I’m far from the only person with same-sex attractions who has fallen into this way of thinking. I saw it last week when I fell into masturbation and pornography. I felt ashamed for doing these, and I started feeling disgusted with myself. I see that I do this because I’m just disgusted that I am attracted to men in general. I know that my sexuality is not being used in the way that God intended it to be, but I indulge my urges and feel dirty and unclean afterward.

I think there are a number of remedies for this situation. First, I have to recognize that I likely feel ashamed of myself because our society has done a very good job at defining people based on their sexuality. Society defines people as either “gay,” “straight,” or “bi.” In doing that, society has succeeded in making sexual orientation a big part of a person’s identity. So when the category that you fall into involves some type of sinfulness, it’s very easy to transfer the feelings of shame about your actions to feelings of shame about yourself. I have to remember that my identity is more than who I am sexually attracted to, despite what society says. I am a man made in the image and likeness of God, and because of that I have an enormous amount of dignity. I have no reason to be ashamed of myself.

Another cure for shame is to bring my sins out into the light, and to have as much accountability as possible. I think that talking about my sins with good friends can help prevent me from feeling ashamed of myself rather than simply being ashamed of my actions. This is one of the great things about Courage. I can talk freely about topics like masturbation and other sexual sins with other people who also struggle with same-sex attractions. I think that my involvement in Courage over the last several years has been a tremendous help for me in eliminating the sense of shame I feel about being attracted to other men.