Things have continued to be difficult for me over the last several days, particularly in dealing with my temptations to masturbate and have sex with other men. This is part of the spiritual battle, one in which the devil attacks me and tries to get me to act on the temptations that I experience. Like many attacks of the Devil, the temptation to act on my same-sex attractions by masturbating, looking at pornography, or having a sexual encounter with another man involves a lot of lies. This makes sense, because scripture tells us that the Devil is the father of lies (Jn 8:44).
So what are the lies involved in homosexual temptations? Well, for me, one of the biggest lies that is at the root of my temptations is that I am not as manly as other men. This really drives my sexual attractions, and makes me desire sexual encounters with other men because I part of me believes deep down that some of the other guy’s manliness will rub off on me if I have sex with him. Another lie at the root of my same-sex attractions is the lie that sex with another man will fill the longing that I have for closeness with another man.
Of course, I know on a conscious level that sex with other men will not make me feel like a more of a man. In fact, it makes me feel like less of a man, because men are not created to have sex with other men. I also know on a conscious level that having sex with some random guy I meet off of the Internet is not going to satisfy the longing that I feel for closeness with other men, because this longing is actually for platonic, rather than sexual, intimacy. But part of me believes these and other lies every time I give into the temptation to masturbate.
I can’t allow these lies to go unchallenged. This is a spiritual battle, after all, and I can fight back with the truth. This is what I have been focusing on over the last several days. When I experience a temptation to masturbate or have sex with another man, I counter the lie that is being told to me with the truth. I say to myself that gay sex will never make me feel like more of a man. I know this from experience. I’ve had 35-40 sexual encounters with other men and I don’t ever remember walking away feeling more manly. I can also say from experience that gay sex will not fill the longing in my heart for closeness with other men. That longing can only be satisfied in part by platonic intimacy with other men, as well as intimacy with Christ. Fortunately, as a Catholic, I get the intimacy with Christ that I long for every time I go to Mass and receive Our Lord in the Eucharist. And I remain in a bond with Christ so long as I refrain from engaging in mortal sin.
Fortunately, countering temptations and the lies that go along with them with the truth has been helping me avoid falling into sin. I know it’s not a magic bullet, so to speak, but countering the lies with the truth–and remembering my regrets over engaging in masturbation, homosexuality, and pornography–is the only way I can turn my heart to Christ and away from a desire to sin.
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