Sloth

Last night, the chaplain of the Courage chapter I belong to gave a talk about sloth, which, according to NewAdvent.org is the “sadness in the face of some spiritual good which one has to achieve,” or kind of a spiritual laziness. (As an aside, Courage is the Catholic Church’s ministry to men and women with same-sex attractions who desire to adhere to the Church’s teaching to live chaste lives.) As one of the seven capital sins, sloth can lead to a host of other sins, Father told us, including masturbation and other unchaste acts, as well as gluttony. Father noted that this is because masturbation and gluttony can be easy sins to fall into when one does not care to resist them.

When it was my time to give my comments on Father’s talk, I said that I did not think sloth was a major problem for me. Upon further reflection, though, I see that I fall into the sin of sloth often before I masturbate or commit some other sin against chastity. I just basically get tired of struggling not to masturbate or not lust after other men. I can go for a few months maybe without giving into these sins–albeit with God’s help, not on my own strength. But after awhile, the temptation to masturbate or fall into lust becomes too much for me to bear, and I give in. This is sloth; not a prolonged period of sloth, but sloth nonetheless.

I’m not really sure what the remedy is for this, other than a fervent prayer for the grace of perseverence. Like all sins, it’s one that is going to take time to overcome.

During my comments last night, I also shared how I felt like I was in a spiritual rut, so to speak. I’m not sure if this goes along with the sloth or inertia that Father was talking about. But I see that there is a cycle in my life that I can’t seem to break free from. I can go several weeks, or maybe even a few months, without masturbating, and eventually I give in because of the tension I feel. This tension comes from a number of sources, but one of the biggest sources is the tension that exists between the desire for a romantic homosexual relationship and the knowledge that I was not made for such a relationship and that a homosexual relationship will never satisfy what my heart is longing for, which is intimacy with Christ and platonic intimacy with other men When I feel this tension, it becomes very easy for me to give into masturbation. I guess the best way for me to break this cycle is to always remember that I will never find what I am looking for in a homosexual relationship, because I see that my desires are really for a savior; someone who can be my constant companion, someone who will love me unconditionally, etc., etc. I’m longing for Jesus Christ. I need to focus on building intimacy with him by staying close to the sacraments and by coming to know him better, particularly through reading of scripture and the lives of the saints.

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