For some time now, I’ve been looking for a platform to discuss the experiences I’ve had in leaving the homosexual lifestyle. I feel compelled to do this because I’m very disturbed about what’s taking place in our society. Several states have “redefined” marriage, as if we could do such a thing. Meanwhile, those who speak out about this trend and the consequences it will have for our society are labeled homophobes. Unfortunately, the viewpoints of the people who scream “homophobe” every time someone speaks out about gay marriage are the ones that get most of the media attention in this country. Those who oppose gay marriage because their faith tells them that it is immoral are often portrayed, intentionally or not, as being slightly imbalanced. The people that are not being heard at all are those who have lived the homosexual lifestyle and have seen how horrible it is. People like me. That’s where this blog comes in. I want to tell my story about how I left the homosexual lifestyle.
First, a little background. My childhood was very unhappy. My parents split up when I was very young because my mother left my father for another man. This destroyed my father, who gained custody after the divorce. In the years following the divorce, my father drank and used drugs constantly. One night, when I was about eight, my father had a drug overdose right in front of me. Obviously, I was freaked out by this! I thought my father was dying. I didn’t want to see that again, so I pretty much just stayed in my room from then on. I’m not sure if my father realized what was going on or not, but I never felt like he reached out to me. The drug use continued, and so did my isolation from my father.
Meanwhile, my life at school wasn’t much better. As a young child, I tended to prefer toys that girls typically like because most of my playmates were girls. As a result, I was a somewhat feminine child. This led to me being bullied by other boys, being called a fag and what not. This lasted from about first grade all the way up through 10th grade. Most of the boys didn’t want to be my friend, because they thought I was gay. All of my friends at this time were girls. I didn’t date.
Then in the summer between my junior year and senior year of high school, I started masturbating a lot. At first, my fantasies centered around girls, but they soon quickly became centered around other boys. Eventually my desire for sexual intimacy with a girl was replaced by a desire to have sexual relations with another male. This continued all the way up through my junior year of college, when I bought my first computer. I quickly discovered Internet porn and chat rooms. Within a few months, I met up with a man that I had met through one of these chat rooms. After we had dinner, we went back to his house and had sex. It was great until the end, when I was hit with an overwhelming sense of remorse. The next day I was extremely depressed, and I swore to myself that I would never have another sexual encounter with another man again. Unfortunately, this was not to be. Within a few months, I met another man off the same chat room and invited him over to my place for sex. Again I was hit with the same feeling of remorse afterward. This pattern continued on for another six and a half years. I eventually had sex with a total of 35 different men during this time. Most of those encounters were one night stands.
Somewhere in the middle of this period I began to sense what was driving me to have these sexual encounters. It happened one night when I was at the home of a man I had met for sex. I felt a strong longing just to hang out with him and watch the basketball game on TV, and not do anything sexual. I was sensing that my desire for intimacy with other males–which had never been met as a child–had become sexualized. However, I largely ignored these feelings and continued to have sexual encounters with other men.
It was also during this time that I had begun attending my local Catholic church again. I didn’t grow up in a particularly religious family. When I returned to the church in 2003, I hadn’t been to Mass in 13 years. Two years later, sensing that I needed to become a full member of the Church, I enrolled in my parish RCIA course so that I could receive the sacraments. I wasn’t expecting that decision to change my life, but it did. Shortly before the end of the RCIA process, I was in total despair. I felt these strong urges to have sexual encounters with other men, but deep down I didn’t want to because I knew that it was wrong. Not because of what anyone told me, but because I felt deep within my heart that it was wrong. Totally depressed and hopeless, I decided that I was going to live the Catholic faith the way it was supposed to be live. I renounced homosexuality and masturbation and all other sin. In the spring of 2006, I made my first confession, was confirmed, and received my first Holy Communion. It was the most beautiful experience of my life!
Since then, things have not been easy, but I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. God has helped me to not have sexual encounters with other men, but masturbation has been a tougher habit to overcome. God has also blessed me with a number of friends who also struggle with same-sex attraction. Knowing them has helped confirm that my attractions were caused by my unfulfilled desire for friendship and a relationship with my father.
God has also helped me to have appropriate friendships (i.e., no sex involved) with men who do not struggle with same-sex attraction. This has been a huge help in healing the wounds from my childhood and satisfying the desires that drove me to have sexual encounters with other men.
So now you may ask, why am I telling the world my story? First of all, I want those who are struggling with their sexuality to know that they were not born gay or anything like that. Society tells us this out of a misguided desire to show compassion. However, this myth only makes people feel trapped. If people were born homosexual, if they were created to be in sexual relationships with people of the same sex, where reproduction is not possible, then why are their bodies geared towards procreation? In other words, why do lesbian women have ovaries and a uterus if they were “made” to be in sexual relationships with other women? Why do gay men produce sperm if they are just meant to be in a sexual relationship with other men?
I’m also telling my story because I want the world to see that affirming homosexuality may seem compassionate, but in reality is not. People with same-sex attractions are very wounded individuals, and we need to help them see that homosexual relationships will never satisfy their hearts. Only God can do that. And when people engage in homosexuality, or any other sin for that matter, they grow apart from God.
My prayer is that my story will help someone who is in a similar situation as me. I’m still struggling with same-sex attraction, but I know that by the grace of God I will be able to carry the cross that He has given me. And, as Fr. John Corapi often says, I know that when God calls me out of this life, and I finally see Him face to face, I’m going to hear these beautiful words: “Well done, my good and faithful servant. Come, share your master’s joy (Mt 25:21).”
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