Things continue to be very difficult for me in my struggles with chastity. Last night, I gave into my urge to masturbate without much of a fight. It’s a bit frustrating because I’m getting sick of committing and confessing the same sin over and over again. But I guess I’m just getting a little tired of fighting. Unfortunately, I don’t seem to be getting much refreshment for my soul from the sacraments, prayer, and spiritual reading. Nevertheless, I plan on picking myself up, going to confession, and starting over again. Today at work I remembered something that a friend told me awhile back. This friend had also had some problems with masturbation in the past, but he said that he began to overcome it when he “surrendered” to God. I don’t think I really understood what he meant at the time, but today it became very clear to me what he was talking about: I need to accept my temptations as something that God allows in order to test and strengthen my faith. The only way that I can do this is is by trusting in God, trusting that everything that happens to me happens for my benefit and/or the benefit of others.
I also began to think today about what the readers of this blog who may not be practicing Catholics must think when I talk about all these trials and tribulations. Maybe some of them are struggling with same-sex attractions themselves, and they’re looking for answers and somehow came across my blog. I don’t think I’ve made the Christian life look too appealing. So I thought I’d answer the question that maybe some of you have, and one that I often have myself: Why do I bother doing this? Why do I bother resisting my temptations to masturbate and to have homosexual relationships? Why don’t I just give into my urges? OK, that’s three questions. I really wish I could say that it is because of my great faith and my love of God, but that would be a lie. I mean I have some faith and some love for God, but by and large these things are not motivating me to strive for holiness. I guess my main motivation is my memories of what it was like living a promiscuous homosexual lifestyle. I remember all too well how horrible that life was. It was a very frustrating and confusing time. I know now that when I was having all of those homosexual encounters, I was really looking for a savior, not sex with another man. I was looking for Jesus Christ. To a lesser extent, I was looking for the love and affection I never found as a boy. I certainly didn’t find these things in having homosexual enounters with people I met off of Internet chat rooms. I was also subconsciously looking for validation of my manhood through bodily contact with other men. But instead of making me feel more like a man, homosexual sex made me feel like less of one. It made me feel more removed from the world of men. I began to feel like I wasn’t quite a man, but of course not a woman either. I felt like I was a member of some third sex. It was a horrible feeling. Now that, with the grace of God, I have been able to refrain from having homosexual encounters, I feel like I’m beginning to have my emotional needs met. Not running to the Internet to arrange a homosexual encounter every time I feel lonely is forcing me to seek intimacy with Christ and to seek platonic intimacy with other men. As a result, my relationship with Christ is deepening, and so are my friendships. This has been a true blessing, and I am much happier now that I am striving for holiness than I was when I was giving into all of my desires. So even though the Christian life is not easy, and there are a lot of trials and difficulties, there is much more joy to be found in seeking God than there is in pleasing oneself by masturbating or having an anonymous homosexual encounter.
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