So Long 2009, Hello 2010!

It’s about 4:00 p.m. on December 31, which means that there are about eight hours left in 2009. What a year this has been. I don’t think I can recall another year in my life that has been so difficult and yet held so much promise.

I say this year has been difficult because my struggles with chastity seem to have intensified. I seem to be falling into masturbation and lust more often now than I had in the past. One reason why I think these issues are becoming more difficult to deal with is because some of the pain from my childhood, particularly the loneliness I felt from being rejected by my male peers, is increasingly coming to the surface. Earlier this year, I felt a particularly strong desire for a romantic relationship with another man. In fact, I came very close to giving up my faith and leaving the Church and pursuing such a relationship. I know this is a consequence of the isolation I felt as a kid. But by the grace of God, I didn’t. I know that if I had, I would have been living a lie. I would have been believing the lie that the world tells us: that homosexual attractions are innate, and that there is nothing you can do about them, so you might as well just act on them. Fortunately, I know the truth: that I am a man made in God’s image and likeness, and that my dignity as a human being is not compatible with homosexual behavior. I also know that my body was made to be sexually united to a woman’s, not a man’s, and that my sexuality is a gift that should be given to my wife one day, God willing.

I’ve also been able to get up each time and keep going after I fall into sexual sin because I am increasingly accepting the fact that I have a sinful nature, just like every other person on the face of the earth. I don’t say that to excuse my sins. But since I know that I have a sinful nature, I can be easy on myself and not beat myself up every time I masturbate. Patience has been key too. I know that I didn’t get into this situation overnight, and I know that it’s not going to end overnight either.

But even amidst all of challenges and setbacks I have experienced this year, there have also been some things that have made me hopeful and optimistic about what the coming year has in store for me. For starters, my sexual attractions seem to be moving away from men and towards women. I blogged about this a couple of weeks ago. One reason why my sexual attractions seem to becoming more heterosexual is the fact that more and more I’m seeing that I am a man who is just like other men. I really feel like I’ve really identified with other men, which I think is key in healing from homosexual attractions. More important than that though is the fact that my relationship with the Lord is growing. My life is much more centered around prayer and the sacraments than it was this time last year. I usually pray morning and evening prayer every day, along with the Holy Rosary. I’m also fortunate enough to be living somewhere now where it is very convenient to make it to daily Mass after work, which means that I can receive Our Lord in Holy Communion almost every day.

So as I prepare to welcome 2010, I am optimistic about what the new year may hold. I know that there will still be difficulties ahead, but as long as I stay close to Christ in prayer and in the sacraments, I’ll be able to overcome anything that comes my way.

Happy new year everyone! May God bless you all!

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One response to “So Long 2009, Hello 2010!”

Anonymous

January 3, 2010

My main thing is praying for extreme situations. I will be praying for you. I'd urge you each day to have a space in which you only say two words to God. The words are: "help me". Then get up and say nothing else around that given time to Him. That practice gets you to the real core of prayer which many words can at times drown out. Two words. "Help me."

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One response to “So Long 2009, Hello 2010!”

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