Exhausted

Well, the title of this blog post pretty much sums up how I feel today: exhausted. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I’ve been feeling a little lonely and starved for attention over the past couple days, and that’s never a good thing. The devil always like to mess with me when I’m feeling that way. And he’s doing it today. When I was praying this morning before the Blessed Sacrament, the voice in my mind kept telling me “Why are you wasting your time here? This is all a fairy tale.” This was the devil, or my flesh, tempting me to get up, leave the church, and go back to homosexuality. This is always a dangerous temptation, because when I’m lonely homosexuality starts to look good to me again. Fortunately, though, God is helping me to fight this temptation. I know that God and my faith are not “fairy tales,” because I know that I would not have been able to refrain from engaging in homosexual behavior for nearly four years if it had not been for my faith in Jesus Christ. There’s no way. When I was living the homosexual lifestyle and I got sick of it, I tried to stop having sex with men without God’s help and I couldn’t do it. So I know that He is real, because I see how He has helped me. God is also helping me to remember that having sexual relationships with men did nothing to satisfy the longing that I felt for intimacy with other men. In fact, it only made it worse, because I felt more removed from the world of men.

I think I really need to spend some more time in prayer and doing spiritual reading today to refresh my soul.