Manliness

I had a pretty good day today until tonight, when I let my loneliness and my feelings of insecurity about my manliness get the better of me and I fell into masturbation. I see the same pattern repeating over and over again: I feel this desire for masculinity, which I feel that I am lacking, and I look for something external to make me feel manly. Sometimes this results in me picking up smoking again. I know it sounds funny, but I associate smoking with masculinity. Then when I smoke and I don’t feel any manlier, I do other things that I think will make me feel manly, like looking at pornography, masturbating, or trying to have a sexual encounter with another man. This is what happened tonight. Of course none of this makes me feel any manlier either, and I end up feeling very frustrated. I need to remember that the masculinity that I am looking for is already inside of me. I don’t need anything external, like a cigarette or another man’s body, to make me feel manly.