Over the last several weeks, I have seen more signs of healing in my life. For one, I am really experiencing a fairly strong attraction to women. Thanks be to God! This is a true blessing. Unless you have experienced the cross of homosexuality, you cannot know how difficult it is to have no appropriate outlet for your sexuality. But now I feel that God may be taking this away from me.
However, there are problems that come along with this, as you might imagine. Someone who has really struggled to control his lust for the last several years can’t just suddenly go from lusting after men to NOT lusting after women. I’ve seen this this week. On Monday night as I was heading home from a friend’s house, I was thinking about whether or not it is a good time for me to start dating again. Part of me really wants to be dating again so I can eventually get married, but another part of me is hesitant because I think that my same-sex attractions will come back and I will lose interest in the woman I’m dating. This internal conflict eventually led to some temptations, and I fell into the sin of masturbation and the sins of lust and entertaining sexual fantasies about women. It’s a really difficult temptation not to give into because there is much less guilt associated with these sins. Even though it is just as wrong to have sexual fantasies about a woman as it is to have sexual fantasies about a man, entertaining heterosexual thoughts just doesn’t feel as wrong to me. There’s also a temptation to think that it might even be a good thing to masturbate and think about a woman, because it would help my healing from same-sex attraction. Of course, this is total BS that I shouldn’t believe.
I’m also seeing signs that my insatiable need for attention is going away. There have been occassions lately where I have been hanging out with friends and I have felt excluded. Normally this is enough to make me sad and look for some way to make me feel better. Usually this involves a sexual sin of some sort. But now I don’t seem to mind as much when I’m kind of being ignored.
I’m really excited that my heterosexual attractions are deepening, and that I am beginning to see myself as being a real man. I’m also really glad that I don’t crave attention from men so much anymore. I’m really grateful to God for all the healing that has taken place in my life. He is awesome!
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