I was reflecting the other day on why I have done little to resist the temptation to fall into sexual sin, and I came to the conclusion that one reason may be that I am not doing enough to cultivate joy in my heart. My relationship with God has grown so cold, so sterile, and so emotionless. I often feel like I am going through motions in my spiritual life. Prayer, Mass, and my the reception of the sacraments has grown very mechanical, very routine. I think there are a number of reasons why this has happened. For one, something that you do every day, such as praying and going to Mass, eventually loses its impact. I realized the other day that I had completely lost sight of the power of God to change me, heal me, and help me to overcome my slavery to sexual sin through prayer and the sacraments. I had even stopped asking God to heal me from my same-sex attraction because I thought that if He wants to heal me, He will without asking me. But this of course is a bad approach to prayer. After all, scripture says that we should ask God for what we need, and that He will provide for us (Mt 7:7).
I also think that I had gotten some bad formation through this group that I belonged to in my parish. During my experience with this group, I heard a priest tell us that “faith is not based on your feelings,” or something to that effect. And while he was right, I think I misconstrued this to mean that feelings and emotions have no role to play in our spiritual lives whatsoever. As a result, I didn’t put too much emphasis on trying to find joy in my relationship with God.
I’m beginning to change this now, because I realize that joy is what is going to keep me going in the spiritual life. So I’m trying to cultivate joy by spending more time listening to Christian music, which I find uplifting and very joyful. I’m also asking God in prayer to help me never to lose sight of His gift of eternal life, and to help me rejoice in the hope of spending an eternity with Him someday.
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