I learned a very important lesson on Monday about just how much I need God in my life. Earlier in the day, I had fallen into the sin of masturbation because I was feeling kind of insecure about myself. I began experiencing these feelings of insecurity after spending some time over the weekend with a female friend who I am interested in romantically. I didn’t get the sense that she felt the same about me, and though I tried to tell myself that this was OK and that it is probably for the best that we remain friends for awhile, I started feeling like I had failed somehow. Eventually these emotions proved to be too much for me, and I gave into my temptations.
It was amazing how much things just kind of fell apart for me after I fell into this mortal sin. For the next several hours, I felt very lonely and very desirous of attention from other men. It was also virtually impossible for me to resist even the slightest temptation to commit sexual sin. It was as if all the healing that had taken place over the last several months had all been undone. As I was reflecting on this on Tuesday, I understood why: I had committed a mortal sin, which meant that God’s Holy Spirit was no longer dwelling with me. And as I saw on Monday night, I can’t do anything without the Holy Spirit.
Realizing all of this made me very anxious to get to confession and receive Our Lord’s forgiveness so that I could once again receive Him be united with Him in the Eucharist. It also helped me see that I cannot be happy without God in my life, and that I can’t bear to be separated from Him, even temporarily. As a result, I need to make an effort to turn to God in prayer and do whatever possible to avoid falling into mortal sin.
Leave a Reply