Today I had a very interesting insight into some of the feelings that I have
been experiencing lately. Over the past couple of months I’ve been struggling
with feelings that I assumed stemmed from loneliness. I’ve had what has at times
been a very strong longing for companionship, particularly with other men. But
recently I’ve noticed that this feeling has been arising even when I am in the
company of other men. As a result, I’ve come to see that my feelings are not the
result of loneliness.
Instead, I think my feelings are more of a result of feeling unloved. When I was
a child I didn’t feel loved by some important people in my life, particularly my
father and the other boys my age. This feeling of being unloved has stuck with
me and remains to this day. Often I’ve felt desperate to feel loved and have
focused my attention heavily on how to feel loved by other people. I’ve felt
desperate for the attention of men and have felt sad and somewhat depressed when
I didn’t get it. But today I’ve seen that I am basing my happiness on how other
people and whether or not they pay attention to me. Today I was reminded once
again of the need to base my happiness on my relationship with Christ. Unlike
the people around me, He is the only who loves me perfectly, and his love never
changes. Basing my happiness on Christ is the only way I am going to find a
true, lasting happiness that no one can take away.
Leave a Reply