Coming Out of the Darkness

The Horror of Sin

So last night my loneliness got the better of me, and I fell into masturbation and pornography. I really wish that I could learn that my sexuality is not to be used as a drug to alleviate any kind of negative feelings I may be having, including loneliness. But it’s just not sinking in fast enough. I keep repeating the same sins over and over again, usually for the same reason. I need to be patient with myself.

Something interesting has been happnening to me lately that happened again last night: feeling sick to my stomach after masturbating and fantazing about men. I’ve never actually thrown up, but last night I thought that I might because I was so disgusted by the homosexual pornography that I had been looking at. I’m glad that this is disgusting me and that I am feeling physically ill. I think that this is the beginning of a really strong conversion. At least I hope so. I know that my sexuality, which is supposed to be a beautiful life-giving gift for me to give my wife on my wedding night, has been twisted into something ugly and selfish. And I hate that. I know that the only way it’s going to be untwisted is by being chaste, no matter how difficult that may be.

Posted

in

, , , , ,

by

Anonymous Catholic

Tags:

Comments

2 responses to “The Horror of Sin”

  1. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    Dear AC,

    Just discovered your blog today thtough St. Blog's. What a wonderful thing that you would share your journey this way! FYI, I have traveled a similar road. My temptation was not homosexuality, however, but porn and masturbation, and for many years I simply could not escape these sins. Yet through the grace of God and the gift of the sacraments, I have been able to overcome them — it's been more than 11 years since I've used either, and I'm a happily married husband and father. Through God all things are possible!

    Best wishes and God bless,
    Another Anonymous Catholic

    Reply
  2. punyworm Avatar
    punyworm

    I also just discovered your blog today. A funny thing happened when I clicked your link over at St Blogs. As soon as your page opened the whole atmosphere around me; and within my room changed. I have come to recognise this as a spiritual force entering. Sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes its not. After reading your latest post I feel that maybe the evil spirits around me did not want me reading this. I come to this conclusion biased on the fact that I fall with the same sin. I do not consider myself to be gay but do fantasize from time to time about it. I expect this is true of most men, but most would go the grave before admitting it. I admire your honesty and courage and I will pray for your intentions. I think what you are dealing with, as far as the gay thing goes, is an evil spirit. Let me explain. The devil is a deceiver and where possible he tries to twist the laws of God and nature.

    When God created Adam.

    And the Lord God having formed out of the ground all the beasts of the earth, and all the fowls of the air, brought them to Adam to see what he would call them: for whatsoever Adam called any living creature the same is its name. 20 And Adam called all the beasts by their names, and all the fowls of the air, and all the cattle of the field: but for Adam there was not found a helper like himself. 21 Then the Lord God cast a deep sleep upon Adam: and when he was fast asleep, he took one of his ribs, and filled up flesh for it. 22 And the Lord God built the rib which he took from Adam into a woman: and brought her to Adam. 23 And Adam said: This now is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man. 24 Wherefore a man shall leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be two in one flesh. 25 And they were both naked: to wit, Adam and his wife: and were not ashamed.
    Genesis 2: 19-25

    We can see from this piece of scripture that of all the creatures God brought before Adam only the woman was pleasing to him. One complemented/perfects the other. This had to be so, so that the whole human race could come into being. When God created us he put within us, what I like to call, bilove. With this gift a man could love another man and a woman could love another woman, much like the way a father loves a son or a mother her daughter. Brotherly/sisterly love is natural. I love many men though not in a sexual way. Jesus and his beloved disciple John shared this pure love for each other as we see throughout the New Testament.
    What happened was the devil somewhere took this natural bilove and corrupted it as he does with everything and twisted it into bisexual and has used it as a means to corrupted us and lead us away from God.
    I have a post over at my blog, my first entry, in which I mull over Christ’s fast in the desert and the power He got from it.
    I think when faced with great challenges’ that we feel incapable of over-coming we need to follow His example. It might help you. Fasting has helped me greatly, in the past and I think its something we should all try. I have not fasted in a while and this could be the reason I fall so often, maybe its time to start again. (grin)
    God bless
    punyworm.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.