For the past month or so, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to what my vocation may or may not be. Actually, my discernment started several years ago, shortly after my confirmation. It all began with a pretty powerful experience at Eucharistic adoration and confession one night. It was the first time that I had ever been to Eucharistic adoration before, and I was kind of blown away by it. I really felt like that the Lord Jesus was present with us in that church. And of course, he was. The confession I made that night was also very powerful because it was very cleansing. I didn’t confess any mortal sins, but I did mention some serious sins that I had never confessed before. I left feeling like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of my shoulders. In short, I had a pretty powerful conversion experience. I started thinking about my past life and my involvement with serious sins like homosexuality, and I concluded that I had this powerful experience at Eucharistic adoration because God was calling me to the priesthood. Over the next couple months, I prayed for God to show me if He was in fact calling me to be a priest. I got what I thought were a number of confirmations. But when I finally met with the vocations director of my diocese, he told me that having been involved in homosexuality for nearly seven years made me ineligible for the seminary. I was shocked by this, because I had been so sure that God was calling me to be a priest. I went home and read the Vatican instruction on the priesthood and men with same-sex attractions. I’ve read it and reread it several times since then. After reading this document so many times, I’ve come to the conclusion that it could be possible for me to be a priest someday, if I overcome my same-sex attractions.
In the years since, I’ve come to terms with being told that I am not able to be a priest, at least not right now. Thanks to my spiritual director, I’ve seen that what took place at Eucharistic adoration that night was God calling me to the universal vocation of holiness. In addition to helping me to understand what really took place that night, my spiritual director has also urged me not to give a lot of thought to what my particular vocation, or my vocation beyond the universal vocation to holiness, might be. He told me that I needed to focus more on healing from my past sins. I took his advice and forgot about vocations.
That all changed last month. One day, I was thinking about living in community and how that appeals to me. It occurred to me that perhaps God was calling me to religious life. I know several people in religious life who also struggle with same-sex attractions, so I thought that it wasn’t impossible for me to have the same vocation as they do. I concluded that while religious life has some appeal to me, it was probably something that I should put on the back burner for now. And that was what I had intended to do until I received an invitation for a vocations weekend with a local religious order. I thought the timing of this invitation was interesting, considering that just several days before I had been thinking about religious life and how God might be calling me to a religious vocation. “Could this be a sign from God?” I thought to myself. I decided to accept the invitation and attend the vocations weekend. I came away thinking that while I enjoyed spending time in that setting, I didn’t think that that community was for me.
I’ve given it some more thought in the weeks since. I decided that although religious life does have an appeal to me, I don’t think that I have a religious vocation or a vocation to the priesthood, should I ever completely overcome my same-sex attractions. I say this because both of those vocations are too predictable, so to speak, for a person with my history with same-sex attractions. With all due respect to priests and religious who do not struggle with same-sex attractions, many people in the world and in the Church associate the priesthood and religious life with homosexuality. They believe that men and women with same-sex attractions belong in those vocations, since they cannot get married. So many are not surprised to find men and women with same-sex attractions in religious life or same-sex attracted men in the priesthood. Should I be called to religious life or the priesthood and tell my conversion story to the average person, would they come to the conclusion that God is awesome and that he can really transform our lives around in unbelievable ways? I don’t think so. I think the average person would think that it is only natural that someone with a history of homosexuality would end up in the religious life or the priesthood.
In addition, I would not be making the same sacrifice in choosing religious life as a man who does not struggle with same-sex attractions. I’m sure most of the men in religious life in the Church today do not struggle with same-sex attractions, contrary to popular belief, and that they have given up marriage and families of their own because they love Jesus and they truly believe that religious life is where they can serve him best. They’ve made a huge sacrifice to accept their vocation. I feel that if I, as a same-sex attracted man, accepted that vocation myself, I would cheapen the sacrifice they are making.
I believe that the only vocations that I could have that would bring glory to God are either marriage or the single life. Could you imagine the reaction that the same average person I described above would have to my conversion story if I overcame my same-sex attractions and got married? I think they would definitely come away with a feeling that God is great and that He can do amazing things with us if we have faith. I think they would have the same reaction if I were single and living a chaste life in spite of the same-sex attractions. This is very counter-cultural. When was the last time you saw a TV show or movie that portrayed a same-sex attracted Catholic living a chaste live? I don’t think such a character has ever existed in modern times! But we do exist in the real world. A same-sex attracted man or woman living a chaste life would definitely bring glory to God and would be a powerful witness to a society that seems to view homosexual behavior as something good.
Taking all of that into account, the only conclusion I can come to is that my vocation is either marriage or the single life. Only time will tell if I am right.
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