This week has been a very difficult one for me. The problems actually started last week, before I went on my retreat. As I mentioned in my previous post, I was feeling a bit scared because I thought that God was calling me to a life that is very radically different than the one I live now. When I say that it is radically different, I mean much less comfortable. I also mentioned in my last post that the devil tried to capitalize on these fears through temptations to do unchaste things. All weekend long, while I was on the retreat, I felt the strong temptation to do unchaste things. I also really felt the strong desire for a romantic relationship with another man. Whenever I feel this way, it always creates a tension inside of me. This tension is there because I feel a desire for this type of relationship, as I said, but deep down I know that such a relationship cannot satisfy the desires that are really in my heart: the desire for platonic, close relationships with other men and, more importantly, a desire for a close relationship with Jesus Christ. Eventually the tension feeds into the temptations, and it gets to be too much for me and I give into masturbation.
What all this has made me see is that I am still very hurt, much more so than I thought. I really thought that the wounds that are in my heart from my childhood had healed quite a bit, but now I see that they haven’t. This week has helped me see that I am still very hungry for masculine affection and intimacy with Christ. But what’s a bit frustrating about all of this is that I don’t know whether I’m doing something wrong, or if I’m not seeing the state of my relationships with my male friends completely, or what. I don’t feel particularly close to many of my friends right now. It’s hard, because everyone is so busy. And I don’t feel particularly close to Christ right now either. Intellectually I know he’s there, but I feel very far off from him. I guess I need to be patient with both relationships and allow them to deepen at their own pace. Pray for me.
Leave a Reply