Lately I’ve felt drawn to two different vocations: marriage and the priesthood. My attraction to both of these vocations has only grown as I have healed from same-sex attraction and as I have grown in my relationship with the Lord. At the same time, I’ve been wondering when it would be appropriate, given my history with same-sex attraction and homosexuality, to begin to seriously discern the possibility that I may be called to one of these vocations.
Although I’ve always felt drawn to marriage, even when I was acting on my homosexual desires, I’ve also felt drawn to the priesthood for about five years now. It began several months after my conversion. One night at Eucharistic adoration I had a strong sense that God was calling me to be a priest. I went and saw the vocations director for my diocese several months after that, and was told that given what was then my recent history with same-sex attraction and homosexuality, I was not eligible to enter the seminary at that time. My spiritual director at the time advised me that I should forget about trying to discern whether or not God was calling me to be a priest and instead focus on overcoming my issues with same-sex attraction and strive to live a chaste life. So this is what I tried to do. But the thoughts about the priesthood kept coming back, even though I tried to ignore them. They’ve come back again over the last six months or so, and I’ve been more willing to entertain these thoughts now that my same-sex attractions have diminished greatly. It’s been really difficult for me not to get enamored with the idea of being a priest, even though part of me would very much want to have a wife and children. But before I begin to seriously discern this vocation, I think that I need to completely overcome my issues with same-sex attraction and wait a significant period of time, perhaps several years, to be sure that the same-sex attractions are really gone. I don’t think that it would be wise for me to enter a religious order (I think God may be calling me to be a religious priest rather than a diocesan one) where there are men with same-sex attractions who may experience temptations to act on those attractions. I think that I would be putting myself in a near occasion of sin if I were to do so without completely overcoming same-sex attraction and making sure that it is completely in the past.
I think I need to take a similar approach to marriage. I don’t think that my issues with same-sex attraction need to be completely gone in order for me to get married, but I do think that I cannot have long periods of intense same-sex attraction like I have had in the past. I don’t think this would be fair to my wife, since I would likely lose a great deal of interest in her during a lengthy period of intense same-sex attraction. I think that I need to put the major issues with same-sex attraction behind me for a significant period of time, perhaps a year or so, before I enter into a serious relationship with a woman.
In other news, I made a resolution this morning to begin journaling more and to begin carving out some quiet time during the course of the day to think and to listen to God. I came to see that I need to do these things because it’s been so difficult for me to make a decision on how to proceed with this discernment process, and I think making more time for journaling and quiet prayer will help me to make better decisions.
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